Put the Hammer Down!

My mother-in-law forwarded this letter to me since I've had a rather adventurous menstrual cycle this time around. Let's just say it was 44 days long, rife with prego symptoms, and then turned out to be NOTHING. Which is-- let's be honest-- just awesome when one is trying her darndest to get pregnant. Anywho, have a laugh:

This is an "actual letter" from an Austin , Texas woman sent to
Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2007 Editors'
Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for
over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm
guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.
As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through
my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America
is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings
me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of
cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I
have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though
I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss
your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ..

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX